Who's In Charge of THE Homework?

Who’s Really Responsible?

For many years I thought it was my responsibility to ensure that my son completed every bit of his homework!
Correctly and on time, of course…
On many nights this meant that dinner became whatever I could put on the table the quickest! Thankfully, I prepare gluten-free / casein free meals in large quantities and freeze them. Warming up something that is precooked eliminates a great amount of stress.
Now, if my only obligation was helping Tanner with his nightly homework our chances of survival would improve. But, like most mothers, I have a family beyond Tanner to care for. (Sometimes I think this is a huge shock to him). Preparing dinner for my husband and younger son Oliver (as well as occasionally feeding myself — when time allows!) is a nightly event. I really do enjoy cooking; therefore I don’t usually view this as a “job.”
Oliver, of course, comes home with his share of homework and his need for attention. Add to the additional house hold responsibilities: taking care of one cat, one dog and a tank full of tropical fish — then explain how to find a logical “balance?”
In order to be fair to everyone it is absolutely crucial that no one person or thing receives all of the time or attention. (Yes, I know — most children on the spectrum have no concept of this notion — bear with me).

Rewards or Bribery?

Rewarding a child for doing a good deed and for good behavior
promotes their self-worth and encourages more of the same.
Bribing a child to do that which should be expected of them is
encouraging them to become the one in “control”.
There are times when either method could be considered “correct”.

• We have “Tanner-time” and “Ollie-time” — where I have play-dates with only one child at a time. My husband is a huge help with this and the events are almost always successful. These are great “rewards” (or is it bribery?) for completing homework assignments.
• We take walks in the middle of homework time — fresh air can do us all wonders.
• Reading a book (or reading for fifteen minutes) is another great break that reactivates our brains and reduces our stress levels.
• Cooking together is an activity we usually enjoy. I will let the boys come up with something they want to cook and we find or create a recipe. One of our best adventures was making home-made pop-tarts. We created a gluten-free / casein-free recipe for Tanner. The adventure was captured with my camera and shared under Photos on my Facebook site: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1034265176.
• Making a craft is also another way to rejuvenate a child’s energy level. They can make something out of practically nothing. I save toilet paper rolls, interesting shaped containers and magazines. Oliver receives My Big Backyard – an annual gift from Andy’s mother — the boys’ grandmother Cecily. Tanner’s annual gift is Ranger Rick. For our family she sends the National Geographic. With the three magazines we have unlimited craft ideas. A few of ours:
o Animals on a stick (cut out animals and glue them to craft sticks). We create plays with our new “friends” and use our couch as a stage.
o Collages — cut out the subject matter of choice — glue onto a piece of cardboard, wood or even an old mirror.
o Cut out interesting pictures (like a big gorilla); glue your own face (from really small photos) on top (over the face or on the belly). Add a firm backing — like poster board or cardboard (old cereal boxes are great) — and you’re almost done with a great Christmas tree ornament or gift!
Next, you’ll want to poke a small hole in the top and insert a loop of yard or string (we tie it in a knot and glue the knot to the back).
Finally — add a coat of spray gloss (about $3.00 at Hobby Lobby) and you’ve created a craft in less than an hour! The best part — the memory you created with your child will be remembered every time they see their face shining back on the craft they made. We usually make several at a time — keeping some and sharing some.

When Everything Else Failed — I Finally QUIT!

This is NOT a misprint… after years of pushing and shoving
(in a manner of speaking) to convince my son that his homework
was his responsibility I finally realized that I was
saying one thing — but doing another!

I was telling Tanner, night after night, that his homework was not my responsibility — yet, there I was… putting everything else “on hold” so that Tanner would complete his work — to my standards. I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing him fail. It broke my heart to think that we might be “wasting our time” with school if he wasn’t learning everything presented to him. I knew he had the intelligence and the ability — why was it such a battle for him to simply do what he was more than able to do…?

The Million dollar Question with an Answer is Coming Right up…

My mother Virgie is my best friend and life-long mentor. She is always the first one I call when I am staring at a problem that has no answer in sight. She has this incredible ability to help me to see clearly when I’m at my wit’s end. It is a gift I hope to be able to share with my boys when they reach that point in their lives.
So, at my wit’s end (once again) I called my mother and explained the problem: Tanner still refuses to do much of his work at school. He says he “already knows the work.” The teachers have all but quit pushing him and almost all work comes home — for me to deal with. IF I wanted to home-school him full-time I wouldn’t have enrolled him in school.

“What would happen if you let him fail?”
My mother asked. I couldn’t believe my ears! Was she serious? Let my darling son with the incredible brain and abilities… fail? I couldn’t bear the thought. What on earth did she expect me to do — quit helping my son? Surely she didn’t really mean what she asked.
My mother had worked with the special education department for many years and had great success with many children who were looked upon as “unteachable.” I trusted her explicitly and, since I was fresh out of ideas, I asked her to explain.
“Rhonda,” she said, “As long as you are spending every evening walking Tanner through his homework, there is no reason for him to work any harder at doing it himself. He has figured out that if he refuses to do his work at school it will get sent home and you will help him, with all of your attention focused on him. Sounds like a winning situation to me.”
Well… when it was presented to me like that — I had to accept the fact that I had, indeed, allowed him to manipulate the system. In fact, I had probably even encouraged it by continuously dropping everything else — just to help him. Poor Oliver would receive about twenty minutes of one-on-one assistance and he would finish his homework. Tanner would then monopolize the rest of my evening, and often my entire morning before school the next day. At the end of the evening I was often too worn out to even think straight.
I hadn’t realized how I had helped to create a bad situation until it was so bad that I needed help to fix it. As long as Tanner was getting his work completed on time, there was no reason for the school to step in or step up. I was essentially home-schooling in the evening and Tanner was playing during school time. No one was winning.

Transfer of Ownership: Let the Fun Begin!
We only had five weeks of school left to try
and implement a change but, I was armed with a new outlook!
This is what I explained to Tanner on our first “day”:

• Starting today, you will be responsible for your homework, not me.
• I will help you, like always, but, only for the exact same amount of time as Oliver — no more and no less.
• There will be no arguing, no scribbling on the pages and no lying on the floor during homework time. If this happens, you will lay down for one-half hour.
• For every successful day that you do your best, you will earn ten points — convertible into one dollar that you can spend on a game, book or toy.
• I will not check over your homework, unless you need my help — completing your homework and doing it right is up to you.
• I will not push you to get everything done — the way you manage your time is up to you. Your playtime is earned and it’s easy to earn it. Finish your work and we can play.

At first Tanner resisted the change but not with the strength that I expected. I think he rather liked the more relaxed approach of me not hovering over his shoulders. Of course, he wasn’t applying a lot of energy to completing his homework, either. I had a great talk with his teachers and told them what to expect — letting them know that I would no longer be “homeschooling” every night.
If I wanted him to become more responsible than I was going to have to stick to making him more responsible. Gradually, during the remainder of the school year, he became more independent in some areas of homework. There wasn’t enough time to know if this system is a real winner or not just yet but we’re continuing with writing projects (similar to homeschooling) at home. So far, he’s doing pretty well.
One of his comments recently when we were writing a book about a hiking trip, “I didn’t know this was going to be this much fun, mom.” The outline for our book can be found on my website. Feel free to copy it, customized it and use it. My website address is: http://AutismWithRhonda.com.
When I witnessed how subtle changes could inspire my son it made me wonder about our educational system. What could happen at school if our educators would only figure out that children learn more when they’re enjoying it!
There are many fun ways to supplement learning at home. Here are a few of our favorite websites. Learning should be fun and these websites prove it!
• http://www.starfall.com/ — From learning their ABC’s to learning how to read, this website is great fun for children!
• http://www.tlsbooks.com/firstgradeworksheets.htm — This website has printable educational pages for pre-school through six grade and great tips for teachers, too.
• http://www.stevespanglerscience.com/experiments/ — The science experiments can often be made with common ingredients you have in your home. There are great ideas for “rainy days” when you want to do something fun with your kids.
• http://www.artistshelpingchildren.org/ — This is another amazing website filled with great craft ideas that are easy and fun to do.
• http://www.bigbrainz.com/indexb.php — Learning your multiplication tables couldn’t be more fun than with this computer game!
• http://coolcosmos.ipac.caltech.edu/cosmic_kids/AskKids/index.shtml — This link takes you directly to “Ask an Astronomer For Kids.” My boys LOVE this website!
• http://www.learningpage.com/ — On this website you will find lesson plans, fun games and lots of great links to other sites. This will become one of your favorites!
• http://wondertime.go.com/create-and-play/games/critter-creator.html — This is a fun site filled with games, crafts and great patterns to make cut outs. My boys played with animal cut outs from “At The Farm” for a long time. They made puppets by gluing the animals onto sticks. They also made mobiles. You can, too, by cutting out the center of a paper plate and attaching the animals with yarn.